


Dear Reader

by s1lv3r



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Insecurity, M/M, Self-Doubt, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-20 05:50:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11329812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s1lv3r/pseuds/s1lv3r
Summary: You will never look at me the way you look at him.





	Dear Reader

Dear Chanyeol,

It’s been such a long time since we’ve talked to one another, face to face. How’s life been? Is Baekhyun treating you right? If he isn’t, you know that your best friend is always right here, ready to kick his ass for you. I know I don’t have the right to call myself your best friend anymore, but believe me, I have my reasons.

If you’re reading this letter, I guess Jongdae has done what I asked him to. Unfortunately, or fortunately, it also means that I’m dead. I’m sorry, Chanyeol. I’m crying as I write this letter, because I don’t want to leave you, but I’m doing what’s best for you. I know you’d want this too.

We’ve been friends our whole lives. I still remember the day when I was over at your house, and your mom showed us the photos of us as babies. You were so cute as a little kid. As a child, I loved to play with you, because you were so much fun. As we grew up, I saw you as a same aged friend, and treated you like the younger brother I didn’t have.

Remember the times when we would spend all day at the playground? I especially remember the incident, when you came crying to me after you feel down, and I felt so proud that I was the one who made you stop crying. I remember how we saw each other everyday, and always did our school work together, and played together after that. Thank you for bringing me so much joy in my childhood.

Then we grew up a little, and went to the same high school. I was a year above you, so I didn’t see you as often, but I still saw you often enough. Remember spending our afternoons at the nearest cafe? You’d told me then that your parents were getting divorced, and you cried. I’m happy that I was given a chance to help you alleviate that pain. Our friendship was just as strong as before. Why did it all go so wrong?

I think it was when we both went to college. I went a year before you, and roomed with someone that wasn’t you, and did things with people that weren’t you. A year later, when you finally came to college, our friendship had somehow warped. We were still really close, but there was some kind of unspoken tension between us.

I remember that sunny morning, where we had all gathered at the beach with our friends. Even though it was really early in the morning, you were already drunk. I remember just sitting next to you, laughing as the others played volleyball with each other. You kissed me. 

I think I fell for you then. I think I’d liked you for a long time before, and you were so warm. We were close friends and it seemed natural that we’d become something else too. I didn’t know how you knew that I was gay, but I guess you have your ways. 

But yet, when you sobered up the next morning, you couldn’t meet my eyes. I think my heart sort of broke that very day. You told me that it was your way of telling me that you were gay. The kiss had meant the world to me, but to you, it was nothing. I could only smile bitterly and nod, as I told you that it was alright. What else could I do?

I also remember that rainy afternoon, where you called me, crying. I fell several times that day, you know, running blindly through the rain to find you. I knew one thing, and that was that I had to comfort you. But as I stepped through the streets to the road you were at, holding an umbrella in hand, I saw that someone else was with you already. I kept my umbrella and walked home.

A week later, you introduced him as Baekhyun. You told me things about him that I wanted to hear about myself. You told me that he was perfect for you. He was tiny, he was cute and he had such a fun personality. You told me that you thought that he was the one for you.

What does he have that I don’t? Everything, probably. I know that I’m definitely not good enough for you. I’m clingy and pathetic. Why would you ever want me? I really wanted to tell you to look at me, but you were so happy with him, that I couldn’t bear to make you upset.

But our daily meetings turned into weekly meetings and then into monthly meetings. It hurt, you know, getting ditched for Baekhyun. It hurt that every time I asked you to hangout, you were always busy. And yet I’d see you having dinner with Baekhyun at the restaurant nearby, opposite the convenience store where I’d buy my instant noodles. I guess I understand. I’d want to spend all my life with you, too. 

And then the unthinkable happened. You came crying to me one summer night. You had heart disease. Incurable. You didn’t know what to do, but whatever happened, you begged me not to tell Baekhyun, for it would break his heart. Did you consider that it would break my heart.

For you, I searched far and wide for someone, something that could help. I didn’t know what to do to help you. Finally, we found a cure. A heart transplant. But who could transplant their heart to you? You had to have such rare genes, haven’t you?

I went for the test a week ago. It turns out that we’re almost like real brothers, because my genes match yours. You were so happy when you received the news on the same day, because you could recover and finally live a good life with Baekhyun.

You’re right. I’m going to donate my heart to you. I’ll die in the process. But that’s a minor sacrifice. When you love someone, you’d do anything to give them happiness, even if the happiness isn’t with you. I’m doing it, Chanyeol. I’m letting you go. 

It’s one day before the operation, that I’m writing this letter. For the whole month, Baekhyun will be off to visit his grandmother. You’ve stuck more to me throughout your whole illness. But I’ve got to let you get used to a life without me, because after this, I won’t be here anymore. I haven’t seen you in a week, because I’ve been avoiding you. I hope that you don’t blame me for missing your calls and not replying your text messages.

Please don’t blame yourself after reading this. I’m doing this as my act of love for you. Repay me, if you want, by living well. Baekhyun loves you. Please love him back too.

Thank you. I’m sorry. I love you.

Regards,  
Junmyeon

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm sorry if it's a little sad.


End file.
